


What You Need

by sg_wonderland



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-19
Updated: 2018-06-19
Packaged: 2019-05-25 14:25:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14979065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sg_wonderland/pseuds/sg_wonderland
Summary: Sarah Gardner tries to forget the past three years.





	What You Need

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t think at anytime in the Stargate universe did we ever get a look at the real Sarah Gardner. This is how I suppose she would be.

I cannot bring myself to meet Daniel’s eyes. How can I when I know what I did to him, tried to do to him? He nearly died at my hand, not once or twice, but three times.

“Sarah?” His voice is the one I remember, gentle, kind, questioning.

I keep my hands busy with my suitcase. “You didn’t need to come; I could have taken a cab.”

He leans over and takes the case, cups my elbow in his hand. “Come on, it’s time to go home.”

Home? That’s a joke. What do I have to go back to? I’ve spent the best part of the past three years invaded by a demon. The things I’ve done, commanded others to do. How can I just forget that? As we walk out of the hospital, I keep my mind on mundane things. It’s spring in Colorado, the trees are budding, a few brave flowers defying the watery sunlight. Daniel opens the door and helps me into his truck before stowing my suitcase and joining me.

Looking at him provides another distraction. He isn’t instantly recognizable as my Daniel. Oddly enough, Osiris recognized him right away. But Daniel has changed and it’s not just physical although that is a big part of it. Gone is the long, shaggy hair, the ill-fitting clothes and glasses. If this Dr. Jackson were plopped down in the world of academia, the students would be queuing up to take his class.

But the most glaring change is Daniel himself. He’s confident, self-assured and self-aware, being in charge sitting easily on his shoulders, taking the lead with both me and Stephen in investigating the events surrounding Dr. Jordan’s death, smoothing over both that and Stephen’s attack in Egypt.

“I did it, you know.” I choke out.

“Did what?” He glances at me, his hands strong on the wheel.

“I killed Dr. Jordan.”

“Nooo, Osiris killed Dr. Jordan. You couldn’t have stopped what happened. You had no control.”

“I should have been able to do something.”

“So, do you want to stop and get something to eat or wait until we get home?” Daniel adroitly changes the subject. I shudder at the thought of sitting in a public restaurant, wondering if everyone can see through my facade. Daniel nods. “Home it is, then.”

*

I try not to think about why there is a patch of scorched grass across from Daniel’s house, try to concentrate on looking at what I didn’t notice before. His house is tiny but sweet. He has every surface covered with artifacts and my mind automatically catalogues some as I walk in.

“Here’s the spare room, it’s not big, but...”

I interrupt. “I’m sure it will be fine, Daniel. I can’t imagine why you want me here. After what happened.”

He shrugs. “You need a place to stay. And besides, I’d like to think we’re still friends.”

I turn to face him fully. “Were we ever? Friends, I mean?”

His eyes shift away from mine briefly. “I’d like to think so, yes.”

“Come on, Daniel, we went from being work colleagues to lovers. I don’t really remember the friends thing.”

“So maybe we need to go back and see if we can try again.” He walks over and kisses my cheek. “I’ll be in the kitchen.”

*

I potter around in the spare room, putting away the few clothes I own. All of which I owe Daniel for. Everything I have, everything I am at this point in time, I owe Daniel for. 

I hear his raised voice from the kitchen so I skulk out to hear the conversation. He’s obviously on the phone with someone called Jack. I seem to remember him from the confrontation here in this house, from the base hospital, his glacial brown eyes, his forbidding countenance. It was clear he neither liked nor trusted me. I was quite pleased to return the favor.

Without shame, I eavesdrop. “Jack, I couldn’t just let her waste away somewhere. I loved her. Yes, I do think I owe her something. I know you can’t understand that.” He barks a short laugh. “No, I’m in no danger whatsoever, the Goa’uld is completely gone, the Tok’ra took him, remember? No, I don’t think she belongs on base! God, Jack, she’s been imprisoned in her own body for three years! I don’t think locking her up somewhere else is the answer. Yeah, well, I’ll let you know when I figure it out!” He slams the phone down on the kitchen counter. “Dammit!”

“You should, you know.” He whirls around, takes a backward step when he sees me standing in the sunlit kitchen. “You’re afraid of me.” I’m surprised at how that saddens me.

“No.” He answers quickly. Too quickly. Then he nods. “There, just for a minute, maybe you reminded me of her. Him.” He corrects himself.

“Your Colonel O’Neill wants me to go to your base?”

He laughs sharply again. “Well, if there’s one thing I’ve taught Jack over the years, it’s that you can’t always get what you want.”

A smile creeps up on me without warning. “But if you try sometime?”

He smiles back. “You get what you need.”

I step forward and he doesn’t step away this time. “So, can I help you fix dinner?” 

*

We linger over the barbecued chicken and wine. Daniel has become quite handy in the kitchen, a fact I find I can tease him about. “Well, I eat alone most of the time so it was either learn to cook or live on take-out. I chose to learn to cook.”

I contemplate the golden wine in my glass as the sun sets across his back deck, which would be tiny by American standards but is quite the right size for the typical English garden. “I can’t believe you never married, Daniel.”

“I did.” He answers matter-of-factly.

“And?”

“And she was taken as a host to a Goa’uld and Teal’c was forced to kill her to prevent her from killing me.” His eyes are steady on mine.

“Oh, Daniel, I’m so sorry.” I can’t fathom how much pain the Goa’uld have caused him.

“You didn’t know. And I know that she’s at peace now, that she can’t hurt anyone else, that no one can hurt her ever again.” He drains his wineglass.

“Is that enough?” I ask tentatively.

“I try to tell myself it is. Sometimes, I might even believe it. Besides, I have to live with the fact that what happened to Sha’re was my fault.”

“If you won’t let me blame myself for what happened to me, then you shouldn’t blame yourself for what happened to her.”

“It’s not the same. You were both innocent victims, in the wrong place at the wrong time. The difference is you couldn’t have prevented what happened to you. I could have prevented what happened to her. But I was stupid and arrogant and I re-opened a gate I should have left covered. She was taken and that was my fault.”

I grab the bottle and split the remainder between our glasses. “If there’s one thing I remember about you is that I never won an argument with you. Ever.”

“Oh, I don’t know, you got in your share of digs.”

“Well-deserved, I might add. How could you have found an artifact more interesting than a living, breathing human?”

“Would you believe I didn’t have enough positive reinforcement in my lamentable childhood?” His eyes sparkle wickedly.

“That line never worked before, Daniel, what makes you think it will work now?”

And there is that smile I remember, the dimples that flash quickly. “And the score is Dr. Gardner one and Dr. Jackson zero.”

 

*

The cool air forces us inside. Daniel lights a fire while I flip through the TV. “Why is it that there are so many channels but…?”

“There still isn’t anything to watch?” Daniel reads my mind. Taking the remote, he finds a channel that plays classical music.

“Much better.” I snuggle down into the sofa cushions.

He glances at the mantel clock. “You know, I can’t believe Jack hasn’t found some stupid excuse to come check on us.”

“He’s concerned about you, Daniel. It’s kind of sweet, really.” Mention of his commanding officer unfortunately brings a sensitive subject to mind. “Daniel, am I going to prison?” I find the courage to voice my greatest fear. 

“No, Sarah, no, why would you think that?”

“I’ve killed people. Here on Earth. I can’t escape that.”

“The police have ruled the museum curator’s death an accident, as well as Dr. Jordan’s.”

“And the lab tech’s?”

“Osiris went out of his way to make it look like an accident. I can’t imagine they’ll be looking at you since you had no motive.”

“And then there’s Steven.” I contemplate the fire.

“Steven doesn’t remember what happened in the tomb and our story of a collapse will hold.” He seems quite confident. “The Egyptian officials can place you in the country but not at the temple.”

“There were other people there.”

“Sam and Janet? I know you don’t have any reason to trust them but can you believe me when I tell you they’re okay?” At this point, Daniel is as far as my trust stretches but I will try. “As to what you do now, that’s pretty much up to you. I know you haven’t had any control over your life for a very long time and you need to be able to make some of your own choices. What do you want to do?”

“I’d like to work again, in archaeology, but I know that’s not possible.” My heart yearns to climb and dig and escape from where I’ve been, what I’ve seen. To do an honest day’s work.

“Why not?”

“How can I put on my resume what I’ve been doing the past few years?”

“The Air Force will provide you with a glowing letter of recommendation stating that you’ve been a civilian consultant for the past three years.”

I look at him in amazement. “Why would they do that?”

“Sarah, the information you’ve been able to give us about Anubis and the system lords may prove invaluable in our fight against them.” He looks uncomfortable for a moment. “I have to tell you, though, that the Air Force will ask you to check in regularly. Just to make sure, you know?”

“That I haven’t told the tabloids that there really is life out there?”

“You have to admit, it would sell a lot of papers.” He grins.

“Can you imagine the headlines?”

“Actually, I can.”

“Daniel, do you ever think about coming back? To archaeology?”

He shakes his head. “Not anymore. After I committed professional suicide, how could I?”

I turn to face him. “But how can you just walk away? How do you live with that?”

“Sarah, do you know where I was this morning? I was on a planet millions of miles away from here, in a ruin that no human from Earth had ever stood in. Why would I leave that? How could I?”

“Doesn’t it bother you that people may never know that you were right about your theories?”

Just as he’s about to answer, there is an imperious knock on the door. He looks at me and just shrugs before getting up to answer the door.

*

While Daniel is getting the colonel his beer, we eye each other like the adversaries we won’t admit we are. He wants to keep Daniel here; I want him back in archaeology where he belongs.

“He’s not leaving, you know.” The colonel attacks first.

There’s every chance he’s right but I’m not one for giving up quite so easily. “You seem to have an awful lot of confidence in your charms, Colonel O’Neill.”

“You might have known him in the past, but I know this Daniel. And this Daniel loves it right where he is. I agreed to let him help you, but make no mistake, you won’t be taking him with you when you go. And go you will.” His eyes are deadly serious.

I know when he looks at me, he still sees Osiris and I realize wearily that Daniel is the only one who seems to be able to make that distinction. “I’m not trying to steal Daniel away from you. I just think he’s wasted here. He was meant to be an archaeologist. It’s in his blood.”

“He has the right to choose what he wants to do with his life. You of all people should understand that.”

“And you both should know that I make my own choices.” Daniel’s voice rings from the doorway. “If you two are quite through fighting over me?” He shoves the beer into Colonel O’Neill’s hand. “And this isn’t about me, it’s about Sarah, helping her get back into her own life.” He throws the gauntlet out and O’Neill picks it right up.

“And I’m all for letting her get on with her own life. Wherever that may be.” As long as it isn’t anywhere around Daniel, I mentally add.

“I’m sorry, Daniel. I shouldn’t presume to tell you what to do with your own life.”

“You don’t have to decide right now, Sarah. Take your time, get your bearings.”

“Jacob dialed in, said the Tok’ra would be glad to take her in.” O’Neill flops down on the couch.

Daniel frowns. “I’m not crazy about that idea.”

“Me, neither,” O’Neill admits. “They don’t have a real good track record of being able to keep up with folks. Remember Seth?” He turns the bottle up.

“Seth?” I sit opposite him. “You found Seth?”

“Right here on good old Terra firma. Actually, Daniel gave the Tok’ra a nice little lesson in Goa’uld hunting.” There is unmistakable pride in his voice.

“I don’t think I want to be on another planet.” I confess. “Can’t I stay here?”

“On Earth? Certainly.” Daniel shoots a warning glance at O’Neill. “We can get you on at a dig somewhere, if that’s what you want.”

I think about that. Oh, to be on a dig, like a regular person. Maybe that’s what I need. Just to be normal again. “I think that would suit me, Daniel.”

“Is anyone gonna be suspicious when you just turn up after three years?”

“I’m not close to my parents, if that’s what you’re asking. They divorced when I was a child. I doubt if they’ve even noticed I’ve been gone.” That’s actually something Daniel and I had in common, the lack of a family connection. Maybe that’s why I’ve tried to hold onto him so tightly; I don’t have to explain to him.

“Well, if you want to stay here, you’re gonna have to agree to a couple of things.” O’Neill slides a glance at Daniel, who is clearly confused.

“Like what?” Daniel asks before I can.

“One, the Air Force will know where you are. Every day, every night. Period. That’s non-negotiable.”

“How are you going to do that?” Daniel scowls. “Short of tag…..You can’t be serious?” He leaps to his feet.

“It’s the only way, Daniel. The Pentagon is firm on this. Either we implant a tracking device or she goes to the Tok’ra. There is no other option.”

“I’ll do it.” I leap in before Daniel can draw another angry breath. “Daniel, please. If there isn’t any other way, I’ll do it.”

“Then you do this by yourself because I won’t have any part in it.” Daniel is beyond livid.

“You said there were two things. What else?”

“You sign a nondisclosure statement. If you ever speak to anyone about what you know about any of this, you can be arrested for treason.”

“I’m not an American, in case you hadn’t noticed.” I feel compelled to point out.

“We have an agreement with the British government.” O’Neill stands. “I’ll wait for you outside. Daniel.” He is studiously ignored.

Daniel waits for the door to close before he speaks again. “Sarah.”

“Daniel, please. I have to try to have some type of life. If this gives me that chance, I will take it.”

“You’re not some animal to be tagged and then released into the wild. Think about this, Sarah. Someone is always going to be monitoring you for the rest of your life. You’ll never be truly by yourself. Ever.” This obviously distresses him greatly.

I don’t remind him that I haven’t truly been alone in three years. “You think I’m trading one prison for another? I promise you, Daniel, that this is preferable to where I’ve been. Please, please, let me do this.” I walk over and hug him. Long moments pass before his arms come around me. “So, is this the one argument I’m going to actually win?”

*

 

A silent Daniel and I follow O’Neill into the lift. “Do you remember what Dr. Jordan used to say about you?”

“No.” His voice is sharp, clipped.

I look over at O’Neill. “He used to say that when Daniel was happy, no one knew it. But when Daniel was unhappy, everyone knew it.” O’Neill’s snort earns him an icy look from Daniel. “He never forgot you, you know. Dr. Jordan. He spoke of you often and always with affection. He was proud of you, Daniel.”

“Even after I blew my career?”

“He staunchly defended the quality of your work, if not the content. Poor Stephen could never quite measure up.”

“So that’s why he wanted the Porsche?” O’Neill pipes up.

“Jack.” Daniel warns him.

“What? Everyone knows what it means when a guy drives a sports car.”

Daniel steps out as the lift doors open. “Or a big truck.” 

“Hey!” O’Neill calls out after him as he walks away.

*

I’m surprised when I wake and Daniel is not there. I remember the doctor’s gentle hands and kind eyes from my first time here; I also remember my hand ruthlessly slamming her against a wall in that tomb. She calmly checks my vitals, tells me the procedure went as expected and I have a locator tucked beneath my shoulder blade. Someone must have called O’Neill as well because he strolls in, nodding for Dr. Fraiser to leave us.

“Daniel?” I ask cautiously.

O’Neill pulls up a stool. “You have to understand, this is hard for Daniel.”

“Because of his wife?”

“Yeah, we didn’t quite get to this point with her. Anyway,” he opens a folder, “here you go. Updated passport, letter of recommendation from the Air Force and from one  
still-not-speaking-to-either-one-of-us archaeologist. There is some kind of hole in Egypt he thought you might want to go look at so we made you some travel arrangements. And here’s enough money to tide you over until you actually start getting paid. Prepaid cell phone with a couple of numbers already programmed in there. As soon as the doc says you can go, there’s a chopper to take you to the airport.”

“Thank you. Will you tell Daniel…?”

“Give him a couple of days to get over his mad spell then give him a call.” O’Neill unbends enough to smile.

“I don’t know how I can ever thank you, all of you.”

“What happened to you wasn’t your fault. I know Daniel’s tried to tell you that, but it is true. Just try to live a normal life from here on out, okay?”

Normal may be out of the realm of possibility. I think at this point, I’ll be satisfied for a life that is mine and not someone else’s.


End file.
